december 5

i woke up yesterday expecting it to be another normal day. and when i say normal, i mean uneventful. friday was a terrible day. a reality check actually. someone explain to me why on a friday night, as a junior in high school, i still had no plans. why i had absolutely nothing to do. not only that but that i was completely alone. i have realized that men, and especially men i like, do not care about me. friends, the ones i think i have here, don't really know anything  about me. when it came down to it, i just needed to grow up. this is real life. real life is waking up in the morning, getting up and doing something you don't want to do, going home and watching the crappy sitcoms that are being aired at 4pm, and laying back down in bed to repeat the cycle all over again. 'that's farce, that's theatre, that's life.' just so we're up to date, i have decided to graduate a semester earlier than the rest of my class. january 2011 instead of june. i'm going to try to start school, immediately following my graduation, at VCU. if i can't start school that semester than i'll enroll for the fall, but in the meantime i'll be living in richmond, working full time, paying for wherever i am living with my best friend, amber. what's great is that even though i'll be poor, probably unhappy with my job, and overworked, i'll still be happier than i am here. in this town, i am helpless. i am useless. i can't stand not being able to help myself. to do something that will improve my life somehow. i don't fit in here, i never did. now it is time that i move on.

hello grounding, goodbye sunshine.

Richmond is not really a scary place, contrary to popular belief. It's actually beautiful in its own way. There isn't really a place like it anywhere else in the world. It has a certain je ne sais pas about it. It's old and dirty, for sure. But it isn't gross at all, it looks aged. The corner stores and hidden restaurants add a lot of character to this relatively small part of the city. As for VCU, it looks great. The dorms are all really nice with the exception of the elevators. The halls are filled with bright-eyed freshman looking for the next big thing to do on campus. The atmosphere is almost overwhelming, but in the best way possible. The total freedom mixed with the heap of academic responsibility is a recipe for the best or the worst year of your life. Mostly, my little day trip 2 hours south made me realize how not ready for college I truly am. There is so much I still have to do here at the homebase. I need to buy my own car, I need to take the damn SATs, and this year is the official beginning to my college search. Community college in Mass, or a Virginia university? Emerson or Mary Washington? So much to do and decide. Should I be ready? Because I don't feel like I'm even close.

the approaching season

With the majority of summer 2009 behind me, I can't help but start looking to the fall.

So much is going to change this year. Most, if not all, of my friends are packing up and leaving for their various futures in college. I guess that's what I get for hanging around people who are older than me. The idea of growing up and moving out seemed so strange only a few months ago, and now here I am feeling like I should be leaving in the near future. Fact of the matter is that I'm not leaving for 2 more years. Two years left ahead of me in this town. What will I even do when I'm on top senior year? Probably a lot less than I did freshman year. How ironic. The older I get the less there is for me to conquer here. No surprises, no challenges. What a bore. Why is it that my peers think they are so mature and badass, when really they're just coming off as stupid. Then again, that thought is the result of having older friends. Been there, done that shit. So now my classmates' antics just seem overly juvenile to me. August 24 is going to be a pain. School is starting yet again for the babies of the world. The saddest part is, I won't have anything better to do anyway. College-bound children are all dipsetting around mid-August. But I'll still be here. Just a stinking junior trying to survive the remaining years of high school. I'll try my best to pretend to care about the meaningless happenings my peers call their lives. Who am I kidding? I won't even pretend to care. Hopefully they'll all continue to stay out of my way. Which leads me to wonder what is it about me that intimidates them so much? Oh right. Probably my terribly cynical personality topped off with a thick layer of continuous sarcasm. Mhm, that'll do it. Junior year is going to be oodles of fun, eh? Part of me wants to leave home right now, but only the part that doesn't worry about petty things like bills, taxes, and rent. With all that said, I have no choice but to continue being the stupid junior who thinks 4 years of high school is unnecessary.

a little black book

holds all my thoughts. look, don't touch. ink stains on crisp pages, it's the best.

am i the only person in the world who enjoys buying new notebooks?

something about the blank pages has so much potential.

potential to be great. potential to be typical. and of course, potential to be funny.

it's just me and my little black book, folks.

iTouch everything

So this is my first day avec ma nouvelle amie, l'iTouch. It has a dank keyboard and I am like addicted to the app store. In other news, I just started a new book, seventeenth summer by maureen daly. I <3 the itouch.

issues clarified

i had an interesting conversation with amanda, my love, today.
she was telling me a little about her past to clarify the gaps i have missed before this year.
so i summed up some parts of my freshman year that really, actually, forced me to look at it from a 3rd person perspective.
and i realized it was legitimately sad...
and their isn't anything i can do about it.
there is an upside though.
i can really see why i can't ever like someone for long periods of time.
NUMBER 1; no one was really ever interested in me before last year.
NUMBER 2; my skin is, figuratively speaking, 'thick'. there really isn't anyway someone would ever be able to hurt me now.
i've never really been hurt but once.

never again.

Step 1; recognition.

repeats

deleted

time

'i need the product of your fears in the form of tears'
i've made a decision.
one that hurt me and will likely hurt me for a long time.
as much as i would love being switzerland here, it just wasn't an option.
this entire week i have isolated myself from both parties.
i took a step back, just to gather how i really felt.
and although i feel as though the situation has progressed to a ridiculous point, i don't see a way to go back.
the path i was on is now changed irrevocably.
time is such a precious thing, i have come to learn.
it's something i imagined i had more of.
I thought I had more time to be best friends with Amber.
I thought I had more time to think about the conflict.
I thought I had more time in my sophomore year.
But I was wrong, and all are coming to a close.

Although I can't bring myself to say that I regret choosing juniors for friends over freshmen last year, I can't help but imagine where I would be had I gone the other way.
Would I be less mature?
Would I be as good at lieing to my parents?
Would I be as sketchy on nights out?
More importantly, who would be my support system? Would i have different friends?

I feel like high school has blown by, but in reality it hasn't for me. YET
I still have two more years here.
What will life be like?
Like it would have been had the most important people in our lives, never been there?
If the people in my class are my equals, why do I feel so much older?
I haven't decided yet, but I may still go to FHS graduation this year.
Just so her leaving suddenly becomes reality.

Time is something worth using, but what do you do when time is up?

i'm a PC

and;
-i read depressing books, and like it.
-i have reason to believe i'm better than you.
-i enjoy the grand piano.
-i refuse to accept defeat.
-i'm a sucker for a romantic.
-i can see through your act.
-i lie so much that i don't know when i'm telling the truth.
-i lack the will power to continue my journey to self-discovery.
-i get a kick out of fucking with your head.
-i get mad and i get even.

Ultimatum

I don't feel torn, because I know who i want right now.
But what if I don't want to choose?
Should I be forced to?
I chose last year, and it haunts me to this day even though I know I made the most logical choice.
How come all the people in my life make me choose between each other?
No matter what, someone ends up hurt.
The sad part is I'm not even talking about an exclusive situation...
this is my life, and everyone in it.

PRIORITIZE

midterms this week, KILL MYSELF.
bahaha just kidding. but yeah. i basically failed that math quiz i took on radicals today :((
once school is over on friday i am going to ROCKKK OUT.
I'm tryin' get fucked up over spring break this year. I haven't consumed alcohol in SOSOSOSSOSOSOS long. i forget what it tastes like. wierrrrrd right?
JUST A NEWSFLASH-[in case you were wondering]
i don't make a habit of hooking up with a different guy weekend or even month anymore.
sorry, that was my thing last year. over it.
so i'm considering dating this one kid...because i thoroughly adore him. and his SHOOO cute.
let's see how things play out with that.
still caught in some sick power struggle with that one other kid. no worries, he is just a side thing for me now.
most important thing this week- MIDTERMS
most important thing next week- PARTAY

ps. i'm officially going to prom with nicholas. SHWEEEEEET? i know, right.

shaNAnaNAna

yesterday sucked.
today was better.
lots of homework to do :/

robbing the cradle.

apparently i have joined the club.

FR3$HM3N

are so gay, it hurts me.
not only are ALL the freshmen girls at my school unattractrive, they make themselves even more unattractive by acting 'badass'.
drugs ARE shooow shuper cool!
i wuv getting drunk on the weekends!!
i don't care about grades because i know i'll be famous without working at all!
i'm shoooow shpecial! and unique!
my boyfriend wuvs me so much and he always will!
AND i'm gonna have sex with him to prove to him and myself that WE'RE MADE TO BE!

god i'm so sick of their bullshit. and i'm starting to think that they'll never grow out of it. just like the girls in my grade have yet to stop acting completely retarded. why doesn't everybody just grow up. none of us are 'cool', and we never will be.

Yelle

Je veux te voir
Dans un film pornographique
En action avec ta bite
Forme patatoes ou bien frites
Pour tout savoir
Sur ton anatomie
Sur ton cousin Teki
Et vos accessoires fetiches
Cuizi cest quoi
Ta position favorite
Tes performances l'olympiques
Mais tu nas rien dorgasmique
Tu es tout nuSous ton tablier
Pret a degainer
Mais je tavoue rien ny fait
Tu reves dun Hummer fluo
Dessine par Akroe
Mais tu nas pas le permis
Tu prends toujours le métro

yeah, that just happened.

xbox love

i wuv xbox.
and especially live.
i had to create a new gamertag because i forgot my old one. :/
so it's OMFC now :)
my mom hatessss live but i don't currr.

OHHHHHHHHH
and my lines for grease are so funny.

and i'm thinking they'll use me a lot for dancing/singing, hopefully.

i found it.

i found the song that could change my life if someone sang it to me.
my heart beats a little faster every time i hear it.
but i don't want to tell anyone what it is.
i want someone to just play it for me one day and mean every word they sing.
if only for that minute.

Being Grounded

only one more weekend left of grounding until report cards come out.
don't get too excited kids! chances are that i'll still have at least one B if not two.
history AP is kicking my ass and my first algebra 2 test pwned me.
the point is, if i don't have a 4.0 on my next report card, my grounding will still be in affect.
so, i mean, that's a tad upsetting.

Results

The results are in...
Principle Roles
Sandy- Meyrem
Danny- Haider
Rizzo- Mary Heather
Kenickie- Matt Booth
Frenchy- Amanda
Eugene- Colin
Marty- Erica
Jan- Nicole
Vince Fontaine- Kenneth
Cha-Cha- Gabriella
Girl's Voice- Olivia Christopher
Shiela's Voice- Olivia Christopher
Radio Announcer's Voice- Elizabeth Stapleton


I didn't get Marty, but hey! I wasn't expecting to.
I am really glad I still have a principle role obviously.
In a way I am flattered that they like my voice. But then again, I don't even really know if that is the case.
When I think about it, it kind of seems like they just don't want me on stage.
Result: I feel ugly.

BULL$H!T$

i don't know what the fuck is going on. i am so sick of everyone's bullshit. nagging, laughing, yelling, glaring. i'm so over it. i hate when i feel like i am in a totally different point in my mind than everyone else. i feel like i'm on some deserted island at kettle run. i don't really know anyone in my classes. i have always had the same group of people in my classes since like 5th grade and now i'm with people i hardly spoke to before this term. first block is normal. i have all the people i like in that class and there is only like 15 poeple in that class. second block i missed because i had an ortho appointment so i'll have to evaluate that one later. third block, mrs. drakeford is tight as shit. but i have all these random juniors in that class. uhm excuse me, what the fuck? at least evan is in that class. fourth block is gym, so that's cool. i have all those stupid freshmen in there though. pieces of shit. i feel lost without gabriella in my classes. honestly. when i had something to say i could just turn my head and tell her. and now i don't see her at all. so it's new for me. but whatever.

lately everyone has been annoying me. i try to keep my thoughts to myself though. i guess i am just losing all my standards. i think i have morals, but that's what i thought before i went through freshman year. that changed fast i'll tell you what. everything is subject to change with me apparently. for some reason i feel like my vision of myself is fogged. like am i even attractive now? or am i going to look back on myself in a year and say "what the hell was i thinking?". i think that's a human thing. i think to get through the day, we need to think we are a little bit attractive. if we didn't, what would we do?

Transitions

Block 1- World History 2 AP with Cooper
Block 2- Algebra 2 with Ormsby
Block 3- Intro. to Health and Med with Drakeford
Block 4- P.E with Degoosh

New schedules are going into full effect on Wednesday. Yipee. Anyone, I don't know of anyone in my classes except for my first block has all the same people that were in my thrid block last term. Not to mention I odn't know of anyone in my lunch, so I mean that's bound to be awkward.
So something that is really different this term is that Gab and I don't have any classes together. Which really hasn't been the case since...what? Eighth grade, I think. So, that should be interesting I guess. Good news is that sophomore year is HALFWAY over, yeshhhh! So now I'm going to continue being unproductive :P. PEACE NIGS

a few things about myself

i'm not the kind of girl who cares about everyone's problems, or who goes out of my way to help someone who's down.
i won't hold your hand when you are having a bad day.
i won't plaster your face all over my myspace or facebook in an attempt to express my "undieing love" for you.
i'm not the kind of person who runs around looking on the up side of things.
i like to make myself observe and disect every mistake i have ever made.
and i like criticizing others just as relentlessly.
i like to plan the future when i feel motivated enough.
chances are if you go to my school or live in my county, i think i'm better than you.
i find it hard to get along with anyone who can't keep up with arguments.
if i like you, i express it through small jestures that probably mean nothing to you.
if i dislike you, it is equally as small in jestures.
i chronically stalk peoples' lives and force myself to realize how they are happier than me.
if you think i don't notice you, chances are i have one or more bad things to say about you.
i don't date people i like because i always find a reason not to.
and if i think something is hopeless, i give up.
i'm cynical, self-centered, and analytical; but that doesn't make me any less likable.

i know it seems like i am just ragging on myself because i'm in a bad mood or some shit. but it's actually not the case this time. i really am just like that. bahaha when i write all these things down, it seems like i'm a bad person. but i'm not. maybe i'm just strange compared to other girls my age. and when i say strange i DO NOT mean unique. unique is often associated with originality, which by being strange i am still classified in a group/section of people.
anyway, i'm over worked and tired as shit.

Spirituality

So I recently had a very long discussion with Joy and Nicole about their religious stand points. I have always known that Joy as well as Colie have been thorughly raised on christianity. It started out with a seemingly harmless question posed to me by Colie, "Well, what exactly is it about Christianity that you can't grasp?" Pshhh, how about everything?! I guess I was able to slightly define to her what the main thing was. 1. GOD? the idea of a higher being just baffles me. And seems completely far-fetched. I think we spent an hour and a half or so focusing on being able to accept the fact that there might actually be something out there. 2. Afterlife. This one hit me harder than I ever expected. I have based my entire life philosophy on the belief that there is no rhyme or reason to us inhabiting this Earth. The only thing we can do is try to preserve our humanity and sanity throughout our time here.

Believe it or not, there was actually a time where I considered there being a God. But I guess based on my personality and ignorance towards the religion, I believed him to be someone who knew the "plan" for everyone's life. Someone, or better yet something, who believed in humanity after everything seemingly evaporated. Someone who knew right from wrong. Someone who lead people through life to guide them towards nirvana. Which to me, I imagined in the last millisecond of life on Earth. The moment everything prioritizes itself, the moment material items disappear, the moment everything makes sense. The moment that arrives just in time for us to leave. Only people on the verge of death could reach that point in my mind. You know why? Because those people are not destined for Earth. Humanity as a whole could not comprehend that essentially nothing we have based society off of, matters. I guess I believed only people who reached that clarity could finally and eternally rest in peace.

As our conversation progressed, and seeing the passion that filled Colie's eyes when she said she KNEW God was there with her, I had the feeling that maybe, just maybe, he/she/it did exist. But then Colie said something I will never forget. She said that "the people who can't accept God's love, burn forever." Which I guess I have heard multiple times in my life, but this really struck me. I realized that she meant people like me. People who just simply believe differently then people like her. Then I understood it wasn't limited to average every day people. Murders who love God go to heaven as well. So I asked her what I thought was a rhetorical question, "So Nicole, what if I spent my entire life dedicated to helping people. Became a doctor and spent my entire career up until my dieing day helping AIDS relief in sector 17 of Zimbabwe, but I was an atheist. You're saying the christian child molester is getting into eternal bliss, while I burn in torment for the rest of forever?" "Liv, that's just the way it is. God gives you your entire life to accept his love and if you don't, that's it."

I know that reading this conversation from an outside view, Colie seems like a religious freak, but I guess you had to be there. We were just three 16 year old girls discussing topics beyond our minds' capacity. But you have to understand that she was really getting to me. Like before she established the whole "burn in hell " thing, I was starting to like the idea of "everything happens for a reason" and that there was always someone who knew better than me or the next president. But if there was one belief I had about "GOD" before this conversation, it was that he knew right from wrong. That good people, who do good things, ultimately were rewarded. But I suppose I never stopped to look up the definition of "good". And Colie made it perfectly clear that mine--on Earth was opposite of God's--in"heaven". I guess I always believed that if I died and foudn out there was something more, that God would love me just for believing in something. Maybe not religiously but for believing in what's right. For justice and compassion.

But I was wrong. God is selfish. God is competing with the devil for all our souls. He knows everything and yet does nothing to teach us lessons in life, because life is worthless to him. All he wants is the outcome. He wants us to love HIM in the end, and not our fellow men. Life is fabricated, our world is a single piece to his plan. Our world is the beginning of the end. God is corrupt, in my mind.

I would rather burn for eternity, than spend my life believing in something or someone who completely contradicts everything i personally believe in, in our so called world. No one, not even God, has the right to tell me that my time on Earth was worthless. I intend on dedicating my life to saving lives as a doctor. And you know what? I truly hope after I die, that God is there to put me in hell, because it will all be worth it. Consider this me saying I REJECT YOUR LOVE AND EVERYTHING YOU STAND FOR, MOTHERFUCKER. If you know me at all, you'll know I mean it when I say I'm not going down without a hell of a fight.

The Depths of the Teenage Mind

Sometimes I walk down the halls of my high school and I hardly notice the clutters and clutters of people around me. I have my own problems to deal with (mostly worrying if i finished the homework in my next class) so I truly can't be bothered with anyone elses' self-induced issues. But every once in a while I actually wonder what is going on through all those pieces-of-shit freshmen minds. I get greedy and I want to know exactly what they are thinking about and if when I pass by there is even a thought about it. I know it's selfish to want to be on peoples' minds who I care nothing at all about, but honestly I'm a bit selfish. It's not so much that I want to be on their minds, but it's that I want to be able to see myself from an outside view. Sometimes I can be so self-centered that I worry myself. But the thing is, even if I could read everybody in school's minds, I wouldn't get very far. I would just be annoyed. Because all the thoughts in everybody elses' heads are just at petty and self-centered as mine. There goes the kid who is hoping his new shoes impress the little scene girl in his third block, or there goes the girl is hoping none of her friends notice she hasn't eaten lunch for the past couple days. Excuse me while I pretend to care. Because at the end of the day, we're all just kids worrying about the same damn things.

Lacking Maturity

As we all grow up in the world, we reach different levels of maturity with each year we gain. Since I began high school I have put myself in situations that require a level of maturity I just don't quite have. I went through and grew out of that whole party all the time phase my freshman year...yeah, I'm a little ahead of my time. I understand the depth of situations more so than my peers but that doesn't make me more equipt to handle mature situations. All I can do is analyze and wrap my mind around them.
I guess I have had this forced maturity since I met my best friend as a freshman while she was a junior. I have listened and advised her on situations on conflicts way beyond me, and I loved and currently love it. But there are certain things that I still can't wrap my sophmore brain around. These include having sex with random guys, sucking dick, graduating, moving away, college, and leaving everything I have behind.
Having a best friend who is graduating this year can sometimes be challenging emotionally. It's her senior year, it's time to live it up and broaden as much of her horizons as she can. She is basically all grown up and ready to move on. In fact, she wants us all out of her lives so that she can escape all the memories of her 17 years in our small suburban town. She's ready to move forward with her life and education. It's hard for her to say goodbye to her friends who have been with her since 2nd grade, I know. But at least they're moving on too. To see someone, who is such a major portion of my life, so eager to leave me behind on a whim...I guess it just stings.
But here I am. The little sophomore who just can't handle growing up. And here I'll be for two more years. Like I said, I understand everything, but I still can't cope with some things.