issues clarified

i had an interesting conversation with amanda, my love, today.
she was telling me a little about her past to clarify the gaps i have missed before this year.
so i summed up some parts of my freshman year that really, actually, forced me to look at it from a 3rd person perspective.
and i realized it was legitimately sad...
and their isn't anything i can do about it.
there is an upside though.
i can really see why i can't ever like someone for long periods of time.
NUMBER 1; no one was really ever interested in me before last year.
NUMBER 2; my skin is, figuratively speaking, 'thick'. there really isn't anyway someone would ever be able to hurt me now.
i've never really been hurt but once.

never again.

Step 1; recognition.

repeats

deleted

time

'i need the product of your fears in the form of tears'
i've made a decision.
one that hurt me and will likely hurt me for a long time.
as much as i would love being switzerland here, it just wasn't an option.
this entire week i have isolated myself from both parties.
i took a step back, just to gather how i really felt.
and although i feel as though the situation has progressed to a ridiculous point, i don't see a way to go back.
the path i was on is now changed irrevocably.
time is such a precious thing, i have come to learn.
it's something i imagined i had more of.
I thought I had more time to be best friends with Amber.
I thought I had more time to think about the conflict.
I thought I had more time in my sophomore year.
But I was wrong, and all are coming to a close.

Although I can't bring myself to say that I regret choosing juniors for friends over freshmen last year, I can't help but imagine where I would be had I gone the other way.
Would I be less mature?
Would I be as good at lieing to my parents?
Would I be as sketchy on nights out?
More importantly, who would be my support system? Would i have different friends?

I feel like high school has blown by, but in reality it hasn't for me. YET
I still have two more years here.
What will life be like?
Like it would have been had the most important people in our lives, never been there?
If the people in my class are my equals, why do I feel so much older?
I haven't decided yet, but I may still go to FHS graduation this year.
Just so her leaving suddenly becomes reality.

Time is something worth using, but what do you do when time is up?

i'm a PC

and;
-i read depressing books, and like it.
-i have reason to believe i'm better than you.
-i enjoy the grand piano.
-i refuse to accept defeat.
-i'm a sucker for a romantic.
-i can see through your act.
-i lie so much that i don't know when i'm telling the truth.
-i lack the will power to continue my journey to self-discovery.
-i get a kick out of fucking with your head.
-i get mad and i get even.

Ultimatum

I don't feel torn, because I know who i want right now.
But what if I don't want to choose?
Should I be forced to?
I chose last year, and it haunts me to this day even though I know I made the most logical choice.
How come all the people in my life make me choose between each other?
No matter what, someone ends up hurt.
The sad part is I'm not even talking about an exclusive situation...
this is my life, and everyone in it.