31 December 2008
New Year's Complications
So it's kind of against my personal philosophy to make resoultions on holidays...mainly because nodony ever keeps them. I like to do things on my watch. Basically I'm the kind of person who would rather quit a job than be fired. Something about the principle of the situation. Well as New Year's eve quickly approaches, I kind of feel obligated to sort some things out in my life. Number 1; I need to figure out this whole situation with my mother (not going to happen, but it's good to feel like I might) and Number 2; the penis situation. (i.e the opposite sex). I have gone for a while without even thinking twice about guys. These are all petty, personal problems. Totally minor in the large scheme of things. New Year's is going to pass us to another year of our lives, and I'm sure I'll be thinking about someone who's not with me, as usual.
29 December 2008
Lifestyle Choices
Welcome to the real world.
Why is it that I find myself seeing concepts of life so clearly, while the people around me remain in blissful ignorance. Why do I grasp the seriousness of situations more so then my peers? Why do I always have to be the responsible one? Ever since I wrote that creative writing piece about my party habits, it has become incredibly clear that I need to make a change in my lifestyle. But where do I begin? I, as well as my friends, have made a habit of partying like we haven't a care in the world. But one day I realized it's not worth it. It's not worth the dazy morning afters or the sloppy mistakes. Life isn't a party. Life is full of concerns, jobs, and education. Parties and completely carefree, no strings attached.
I was under the false impression that the group of kids I formerly partied with, was my "family". A place where all the misfit/stoner/perverted kids belong together. I truly loved them. Until I realized that they were all just as self-centered and shallow as I am. They formed a heiarchy of the people who mattered most to them....the "officers". Somehow everyone below them remained part of the "family". But this family was supposed to be based on equality! This family was supposed to be a place where the wierd kids feel accepted. But with the growing popularity and exclusiveness even the mighty BTF formed a ring of people who were always slightly more likable or powerful. Just like every other clique I have ever seen. And I saw first hand what it took to become an "officer", and it was as disappointing as it was repulsing. This realizaion was one I lived with for a while, before I figured out that my life couldn't always be smoking and drinking and having sketchy fun. Once the nights grew less exciting and the and the mornings became harsher, I had no choice but to accept my chapter with the "family" had come to a halting end. Of course I met people there that I will cherish for the rest of my life. "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times."
My life now consists of the occasional sketchy night due to my weak connection with the"family". I can't say that I feel more mature than the people there because I still believe I am completely equal to all of them. But until they understand the true meaning of family I can't consider myself a part of theirs. I want a group of people who I can trust with my life, who value my opinion, who will take care of me as I drunkenly stumble down the hall. Hey, at least they have 1 of the three. The only thing I really regret, is leaving without an explanation. Because it is the popular misconception that I just don't like the people there, or that I feel above them somehow. Wrong. I just don't think it would be worth explaining.
Why is it that I find myself seeing concepts of life so clearly, while the people around me remain in blissful ignorance. Why do I grasp the seriousness of situations more so then my peers? Why do I always have to be the responsible one? Ever since I wrote that creative writing piece about my party habits, it has become incredibly clear that I need to make a change in my lifestyle. But where do I begin? I, as well as my friends, have made a habit of partying like we haven't a care in the world. But one day I realized it's not worth it. It's not worth the dazy morning afters or the sloppy mistakes. Life isn't a party. Life is full of concerns, jobs, and education. Parties and completely carefree, no strings attached.
I was under the false impression that the group of kids I formerly partied with, was my "family". A place where all the misfit/stoner/perverted kids belong together. I truly loved them. Until I realized that they were all just as self-centered and shallow as I am. They formed a heiarchy of the people who mattered most to them....the "officers". Somehow everyone below them remained part of the "family". But this family was supposed to be based on equality! This family was supposed to be a place where the wierd kids feel accepted. But with the growing popularity and exclusiveness even the mighty BTF formed a ring of people who were always slightly more likable or powerful. Just like every other clique I have ever seen. And I saw first hand what it took to become an "officer", and it was as disappointing as it was repulsing. This realizaion was one I lived with for a while, before I figured out that my life couldn't always be smoking and drinking and having sketchy fun. Once the nights grew less exciting and the and the mornings became harsher, I had no choice but to accept my chapter with the "family" had come to a halting end. Of course I met people there that I will cherish for the rest of my life. "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times."
My life now consists of the occasional sketchy night due to my weak connection with the"family". I can't say that I feel more mature than the people there because I still believe I am completely equal to all of them. But until they understand the true meaning of family I can't consider myself a part of theirs. I want a group of people who I can trust with my life, who value my opinion, who will take care of me as I drunkenly stumble down the hall. Hey, at least they have 1 of the three. The only thing I really regret, is leaving without an explanation. Because it is the popular misconception that I just don't like the people there, or that I feel above them somehow. Wrong. I just don't think it would be worth explaining.
Love Novels
Why do I do this to myself? I read all this fictional tales of love and I literally fall in love with the text. But what's next? I move on from novel to novel, trying to distract myself from the latest story I finished reading. As if my life benefits from anything by reading these. Is love even existent? All ym life I have been sort of addicted to the concept of love and felt surrounded by it. From the first time I heard the story of my parents' teenage love to the time I read the Twilight Saga. Every day I grow more and more skeptical about this so called "indescribable" emotion. I don't understand it at all, I even question if Romeo and Juliet truly loved each other, or if their relationship was instead based on infatuation. My best friend "fell in love" with this kid during their sophomore year who ended up breaking her heart multiple times! Is that something anyone really desires? Now my dear friend is doomed to a life of comparing her relationships to that one. It's really quite heartbreaking. I am a sophomore and I can't even begin to say I have ever loved someone, I hardly even like people. People who claim to be in love at my age are idiots. They misunderstand the rush of infatuation to be love, and it's not even close. Which brings me back to my own love life, which is non-existent. Is no one in this POS town worth it? Do I even have a soul mate? How can one person be specifically designed to click with me or anyone else for that matter? Call me a skeptic, but so far, to me love is something only found in novels.
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