BULL$H!T$

i don't know what the fuck is going on. i am so sick of everyone's bullshit. nagging, laughing, yelling, glaring. i'm so over it. i hate when i feel like i am in a totally different point in my mind than everyone else. i feel like i'm on some deserted island at kettle run. i don't really know anyone in my classes. i have always had the same group of people in my classes since like 5th grade and now i'm with people i hardly spoke to before this term. first block is normal. i have all the people i like in that class and there is only like 15 poeple in that class. second block i missed because i had an ortho appointment so i'll have to evaluate that one later. third block, mrs. drakeford is tight as shit. but i have all these random juniors in that class. uhm excuse me, what the fuck? at least evan is in that class. fourth block is gym, so that's cool. i have all those stupid freshmen in there though. pieces of shit. i feel lost without gabriella in my classes. honestly. when i had something to say i could just turn my head and tell her. and now i don't see her at all. so it's new for me. but whatever.

lately everyone has been annoying me. i try to keep my thoughts to myself though. i guess i am just losing all my standards. i think i have morals, but that's what i thought before i went through freshman year. that changed fast i'll tell you what. everything is subject to change with me apparently. for some reason i feel like my vision of myself is fogged. like am i even attractive now? or am i going to look back on myself in a year and say "what the hell was i thinking?". i think that's a human thing. i think to get through the day, we need to think we are a little bit attractive. if we didn't, what would we do?

Transitions

Block 1- World History 2 AP with Cooper
Block 2- Algebra 2 with Ormsby
Block 3- Intro. to Health and Med with Drakeford
Block 4- P.E with Degoosh

New schedules are going into full effect on Wednesday. Yipee. Anyone, I don't know of anyone in my classes except for my first block has all the same people that were in my thrid block last term. Not to mention I odn't know of anyone in my lunch, so I mean that's bound to be awkward.
So something that is really different this term is that Gab and I don't have any classes together. Which really hasn't been the case since...what? Eighth grade, I think. So, that should be interesting I guess. Good news is that sophomore year is HALFWAY over, yeshhhh! So now I'm going to continue being unproductive :P. PEACE NIGS

a few things about myself

i'm not the kind of girl who cares about everyone's problems, or who goes out of my way to help someone who's down.
i won't hold your hand when you are having a bad day.
i won't plaster your face all over my myspace or facebook in an attempt to express my "undieing love" for you.
i'm not the kind of person who runs around looking on the up side of things.
i like to make myself observe and disect every mistake i have ever made.
and i like criticizing others just as relentlessly.
i like to plan the future when i feel motivated enough.
chances are if you go to my school or live in my county, i think i'm better than you.
i find it hard to get along with anyone who can't keep up with arguments.
if i like you, i express it through small jestures that probably mean nothing to you.
if i dislike you, it is equally as small in jestures.
i chronically stalk peoples' lives and force myself to realize how they are happier than me.
if you think i don't notice you, chances are i have one or more bad things to say about you.
i don't date people i like because i always find a reason not to.
and if i think something is hopeless, i give up.
i'm cynical, self-centered, and analytical; but that doesn't make me any less likable.

i know it seems like i am just ragging on myself because i'm in a bad mood or some shit. but it's actually not the case this time. i really am just like that. bahaha when i write all these things down, it seems like i'm a bad person. but i'm not. maybe i'm just strange compared to other girls my age. and when i say strange i DO NOT mean unique. unique is often associated with originality, which by being strange i am still classified in a group/section of people.
anyway, i'm over worked and tired as shit.

Spirituality

So I recently had a very long discussion with Joy and Nicole about their religious stand points. I have always known that Joy as well as Colie have been thorughly raised on christianity. It started out with a seemingly harmless question posed to me by Colie, "Well, what exactly is it about Christianity that you can't grasp?" Pshhh, how about everything?! I guess I was able to slightly define to her what the main thing was. 1. GOD? the idea of a higher being just baffles me. And seems completely far-fetched. I think we spent an hour and a half or so focusing on being able to accept the fact that there might actually be something out there. 2. Afterlife. This one hit me harder than I ever expected. I have based my entire life philosophy on the belief that there is no rhyme or reason to us inhabiting this Earth. The only thing we can do is try to preserve our humanity and sanity throughout our time here.

Believe it or not, there was actually a time where I considered there being a God. But I guess based on my personality and ignorance towards the religion, I believed him to be someone who knew the "plan" for everyone's life. Someone, or better yet something, who believed in humanity after everything seemingly evaporated. Someone who knew right from wrong. Someone who lead people through life to guide them towards nirvana. Which to me, I imagined in the last millisecond of life on Earth. The moment everything prioritizes itself, the moment material items disappear, the moment everything makes sense. The moment that arrives just in time for us to leave. Only people on the verge of death could reach that point in my mind. You know why? Because those people are not destined for Earth. Humanity as a whole could not comprehend that essentially nothing we have based society off of, matters. I guess I believed only people who reached that clarity could finally and eternally rest in peace.

As our conversation progressed, and seeing the passion that filled Colie's eyes when she said she KNEW God was there with her, I had the feeling that maybe, just maybe, he/she/it did exist. But then Colie said something I will never forget. She said that "the people who can't accept God's love, burn forever." Which I guess I have heard multiple times in my life, but this really struck me. I realized that she meant people like me. People who just simply believe differently then people like her. Then I understood it wasn't limited to average every day people. Murders who love God go to heaven as well. So I asked her what I thought was a rhetorical question, "So Nicole, what if I spent my entire life dedicated to helping people. Became a doctor and spent my entire career up until my dieing day helping AIDS relief in sector 17 of Zimbabwe, but I was an atheist. You're saying the christian child molester is getting into eternal bliss, while I burn in torment for the rest of forever?" "Liv, that's just the way it is. God gives you your entire life to accept his love and if you don't, that's it."

I know that reading this conversation from an outside view, Colie seems like a religious freak, but I guess you had to be there. We were just three 16 year old girls discussing topics beyond our minds' capacity. But you have to understand that she was really getting to me. Like before she established the whole "burn in hell " thing, I was starting to like the idea of "everything happens for a reason" and that there was always someone who knew better than me or the next president. But if there was one belief I had about "GOD" before this conversation, it was that he knew right from wrong. That good people, who do good things, ultimately were rewarded. But I suppose I never stopped to look up the definition of "good". And Colie made it perfectly clear that mine--on Earth was opposite of God's--in"heaven". I guess I always believed that if I died and foudn out there was something more, that God would love me just for believing in something. Maybe not religiously but for believing in what's right. For justice and compassion.

But I was wrong. God is selfish. God is competing with the devil for all our souls. He knows everything and yet does nothing to teach us lessons in life, because life is worthless to him. All he wants is the outcome. He wants us to love HIM in the end, and not our fellow men. Life is fabricated, our world is a single piece to his plan. Our world is the beginning of the end. God is corrupt, in my mind.

I would rather burn for eternity, than spend my life believing in something or someone who completely contradicts everything i personally believe in, in our so called world. No one, not even God, has the right to tell me that my time on Earth was worthless. I intend on dedicating my life to saving lives as a doctor. And you know what? I truly hope after I die, that God is there to put me in hell, because it will all be worth it. Consider this me saying I REJECT YOUR LOVE AND EVERYTHING YOU STAND FOR, MOTHERFUCKER. If you know me at all, you'll know I mean it when I say I'm not going down without a hell of a fight.

The Depths of the Teenage Mind

Sometimes I walk down the halls of my high school and I hardly notice the clutters and clutters of people around me. I have my own problems to deal with (mostly worrying if i finished the homework in my next class) so I truly can't be bothered with anyone elses' self-induced issues. But every once in a while I actually wonder what is going on through all those pieces-of-shit freshmen minds. I get greedy and I want to know exactly what they are thinking about and if when I pass by there is even a thought about it. I know it's selfish to want to be on peoples' minds who I care nothing at all about, but honestly I'm a bit selfish. It's not so much that I want to be on their minds, but it's that I want to be able to see myself from an outside view. Sometimes I can be so self-centered that I worry myself. But the thing is, even if I could read everybody in school's minds, I wouldn't get very far. I would just be annoyed. Because all the thoughts in everybody elses' heads are just at petty and self-centered as mine. There goes the kid who is hoping his new shoes impress the little scene girl in his third block, or there goes the girl is hoping none of her friends notice she hasn't eaten lunch for the past couple days. Excuse me while I pretend to care. Because at the end of the day, we're all just kids worrying about the same damn things.

Lacking Maturity

As we all grow up in the world, we reach different levels of maturity with each year we gain. Since I began high school I have put myself in situations that require a level of maturity I just don't quite have. I went through and grew out of that whole party all the time phase my freshman year...yeah, I'm a little ahead of my time. I understand the depth of situations more so than my peers but that doesn't make me more equipt to handle mature situations. All I can do is analyze and wrap my mind around them.
I guess I have had this forced maturity since I met my best friend as a freshman while she was a junior. I have listened and advised her on situations on conflicts way beyond me, and I loved and currently love it. But there are certain things that I still can't wrap my sophmore brain around. These include having sex with random guys, sucking dick, graduating, moving away, college, and leaving everything I have behind.
Having a best friend who is graduating this year can sometimes be challenging emotionally. It's her senior year, it's time to live it up and broaden as much of her horizons as she can. She is basically all grown up and ready to move on. In fact, she wants us all out of her lives so that she can escape all the memories of her 17 years in our small suburban town. She's ready to move forward with her life and education. It's hard for her to say goodbye to her friends who have been with her since 2nd grade, I know. But at least they're moving on too. To see someone, who is such a major portion of my life, so eager to leave me behind on a whim...I guess it just stings.
But here I am. The little sophomore who just can't handle growing up. And here I'll be for two more years. Like I said, I understand everything, but I still can't cope with some things.