december 5

i woke up yesterday expecting it to be another normal day. and when i say normal, i mean uneventful. friday was a terrible day. a reality check actually. someone explain to me why on a friday night, as a junior in high school, i still had no plans. why i had absolutely nothing to do. not only that but that i was completely alone. i have realized that men, and especially men i like, do not care about me. friends, the ones i think i have here, don't really know anything  about me. when it came down to it, i just needed to grow up. this is real life. real life is waking up in the morning, getting up and doing something you don't want to do, going home and watching the crappy sitcoms that are being aired at 4pm, and laying back down in bed to repeat the cycle all over again. 'that's farce, that's theatre, that's life.' just so we're up to date, i have decided to graduate a semester earlier than the rest of my class. january 2011 instead of june. i'm going to try to start school, immediately following my graduation, at VCU. if i can't start school that semester than i'll enroll for the fall, but in the meantime i'll be living in richmond, working full time, paying for wherever i am living with my best friend, amber. what's great is that even though i'll be poor, probably unhappy with my job, and overworked, i'll still be happier than i am here. in this town, i am helpless. i am useless. i can't stand not being able to help myself. to do something that will improve my life somehow. i don't fit in here, i never did. now it is time that i move on.

hello grounding, goodbye sunshine.

Richmond is not really a scary place, contrary to popular belief. It's actually beautiful in its own way. There isn't really a place like it anywhere else in the world. It has a certain je ne sais pas about it. It's old and dirty, for sure. But it isn't gross at all, it looks aged. The corner stores and hidden restaurants add a lot of character to this relatively small part of the city. As for VCU, it looks great. The dorms are all really nice with the exception of the elevators. The halls are filled with bright-eyed freshman looking for the next big thing to do on campus. The atmosphere is almost overwhelming, but in the best way possible. The total freedom mixed with the heap of academic responsibility is a recipe for the best or the worst year of your life. Mostly, my little day trip 2 hours south made me realize how not ready for college I truly am. There is so much I still have to do here at the homebase. I need to buy my own car, I need to take the damn SATs, and this year is the official beginning to my college search. Community college in Mass, or a Virginia university? Emerson or Mary Washington? So much to do and decide. Should I be ready? Because I don't feel like I'm even close.